Tanimomo’s Piece of Mind: face!BOOK and face!-IT Modus Operandi à la TPoM

by ahjotnaija

Mr. Tanimomo is a scholar resident in Germany. He guest-blogs on http://www.ahjotnaija.wordpress.com He is author of the popular bi-weekly: Tanimomo’s Piece of Mind (TPoM).

Mr. Tanimomo is a scholar resident in Germany. He guest-blogs on http://www.ahjotnaija.wordpress.com He is author of the popular bi-weekly: Tanimomo’s Piece of Mind (TPoM).

So, you think because Facebook is free and have a Chinko phone you can misbehave on Facebook abi? Ehn? I have drawn up rules which everybody must abide by. Zuckerberg and his friends in Menlo Park, California must enforce them!

You just graduated from a secondary school, your dad bought your first phone, so you think that adds years to your tiny years plus gives you the liberty to ‘Hi-ma-guy’ your elders? Yes, it’s the 21st century, but there is still something called respect and formality. Don’t ‘whats-up’ me if I am at least 7 years older than you. Don’t ‘How-far’ me if I am meeting you for the first time.

Telling someone thank you for adding you as his friends seems mischievous to me! Is (s)he the Queen of England, Prof. Soyinka, Pastor Bakare, President Obama, Premier Cameron, Physicist Neil Tyson, or has he done what Einstein did to Newton’s law? If no, then there is no need to thank a friend for accepting you on Facebook. It makes you come across as a bootlicker when you do.

Liking RIP posts! Now, this is about the most stupid thing I see on FB! Someone just lost a dear one, he shares his grief on FB. All you can do is like the post. Like seriously? Do you do that? If you can’t console the bereaved, please don’t click on that ‘like’ button!

Following your partner around on Facebook. So, you go about Facebook helicopter-ing your partner. You decorate his posts with ‘My Love; My angel’ etc. Are you for real? Truth is, when a Hawk sees a chick it wants to prey on, MotherHen can do next to nothing; so if your partner will be stolen, your lovingup on FB won’t help. Let the poor (wo)man enjoy please! A few admirers won’t hurt.

Changing your relationship status after a fight. So, you had qualms with your partner. Then, the best way to fight back is to change your relationship status?! You reconcile. You change it again. Not too bad, but it portrays you as an unstable personality. It’s not an offense to leave your relationship status as single, at least you are not married. So stop the traffic-lighting – changing from engaged to single and back to engaged!

Wailing on Facebook. Facebook wall is not a wailing wall. Wailing wall is in Israel. Your boyfriend left or your girlfriend ditched you, so you think the best place to voice your vengeance is on FB. Sorry my dear bro or sis. You are a big starter. Learn! Comport yourself! Brace up for the next wonderful better person that shall come your way soon! Really, I don’t know about others but I don’t want a broken woman in my life. Pack the pieces of your shattered heart, re-mold it. Look for love again! Screaming, ‘Men are wicked’ or ‘women are bitches’ won’t get him/her back. It only makes a prospective bobo/babe run-away from you, faster than Usain Bolt would!

Using your pets as profile picture. We know you love your pet but please it is your face we want to see on FB. Have you changed from what you used to be in secondary school? Have you added some weight, have you lost some? Yes, you were the most beautiful girl in our school and we hailed you for that, don’t you think it will only be fair if ten years after school we see what you now look like? Please remove that pet and the other rubbishes you use as profile picture.

Not updating. Yeah, Styl-Plus and P-Square were the in-thing when we were in 100 level. You promised they would play on your wedding day. How are we supposed to know that your husband, a big-boy indeed with a car for leg did engage your favourite musician for the wedding if the pictures were not updated? Tell us what’s up with you! Bros and sis, abeg, show face!

You sure do not want to tell us you had nothing on your mind for a whole year! Shoo! Is your mind that unproductive?! Okay, don’t tell us whats up with you, but please just write something, change your profile picture, just do more than liking other people’s comments!

Okay. This point kind of negates an earlier one, but really why should your partner or spouse be on FB and you have never showered him/her some praises! You never said thank him/her for sharing YOUR life with you and that YOUR life might probably crumble like a pack of card without him/her! Or just anything sweet sha. There is however a caveat to this, if you are not sure of your standing, please don’t post. If he or she types: ‘Thanks dear’, then you are on a longthing. Truth is, (s)he has another partner, the REAL ONE actually. If he types ‘LOL, thanks’ or any of the derivative acronyms of ‘laughing…’ (s)he is lying. Trust me, there is someone else at home he will explain you to as ‘the guy/gal I told you about who had a crush on me.’

I mean how is love so funny to warrant laughing out loud? It’s love oh! Love that Romeo, Jack, Ramsey Noah (in many movies) died for! and someone is on your page LOL-ing at it? Shaking my head for you if you can’t see my point. You are on a long thing, I swear!

Plagiarizing. See, we have always known you, you were not so bright, funny and many other things in class, we still spoke over the phone last week and you had not changed! So where do you get those witty and intelligent stuffs you post and claim authorship? Okay, let me tell you how it works. The internet is like a web; somehow someway, we have seen the post somewhere else. Anyway, you have been forgiven for those you did in the past. Repent and henceforth ‘hash tag’ your ‘stolen’ posts as stolen! Here is a good example: ‘It takes the right one to make you forget all the wrong ones. #Stolen!’