Fast-Forward to FeBuhari 14! 2015

Dear President Buhari,

So, now that President Jonathan finally lost this election, I welcome us all to the new reality. Nigeria has a new president, and he is not a PDP-President! There are lessons to learn, but I will spare us that because I am afraid we just might not care. We are still feeling high from a victory well deserved. Finally this Jonathan is gone! Ibanuje lo!

Until yesterday, President Jonathan was Nigeria’s worst headache. Now that the old headache is gone, I hope President Buhari will not be a worse nightmare. The next 100 days will be decisive in foretelling the course this presidency. The tone of reconciliation struck after your landslide victory is a welcome development, but not unexpected. Humility in victory is our culture.

While we accept that this is our cultural good, we must be willing to hold accountable the past government to her corruption and abuse of office. Perpetrators must not be left off the hook. A precedent is necessary. If anything, it will signal, that come 2019 we shall not be unwilling, just like we welcome you like a donkey-riding messiah, to pursue you out of office once again with our votes if you fell short of fullfilling every promises made.

There is no excuse for non-performance. You knew Nigeria was a liability before you promised heaven and earth to make her work again. My yardstick for a successful Buhari presidency shall be this: A comparable report-sheet to Governor Fashola’s first term in Lagos state. Anything short is epic failure. Governor Fashola WORKED every single day in his first term. Think of this: Fashola was so confident his report-sheet was strong enough to win him a second term. And it did! If Asiwaju Tinubu had dared to play dirty by not returning him for another term, he would have successfully killed himself politically. Here is the thing: Good work speaks for itself! We must hold your presidency to this standard. That is another precedence we must set.

The job of the new president is clearly cut out for him. We need not remind that the last president whom you replace, in fact, made this new job more difficult. For this reason we shall be terribly sincere in our criticism, give little room for error and shout even louder if you tried to force sh*t policies down our throat. Maybe we need tell you that one of the attack dogs of the former president referred to us as children of anger. Yes, that is exactly who we are! Collective children of anger! Call us anything, ebu o so! Abuse nor dey gum body! We are only interested in one thing alone: That you do your job by fullfilling the mountain of promises you made.

At this point, I shall remind of a campaign advert I saw in your name. The video declared: Electricity generation is not rocket science. Well, Mr. President, we know this, previous governments knew this truth. We are happy that a president finally hit the nail on the head. Yes! Power generation and supply is simple as ABC, the thing now is, abeg, fullfill your promise!

We shall hardly be willing to compromise on this matter. I hope you understand what this means and why we shall shift no ground particularly on light. Over 50 years of constant darkness and epileptic supply coupled with uncountable-monies soldier-politicians had embezzled in that sector! Add to that the fact that you were once Head of State to perfect our suspicion and uncompromising stance on this matter.

Well, to help you, and I believe I am speaking for NIGERIANS as a whole, if you give us in your first term TWO YEARS of uninterrupted power supply, in Lagos, Kano, Onitsha, Agbor, Okene and in the remotest/most obscure place in Nigeria, not only is your second term guaranteed, your name shall forever be written in gold even in minds of children yet unborn! President Buhari, we can only enjoin you to think of Chief Awolowo and FreeEducation legacy. I hope two years of constant power supply will be one of your legacy in the next four years.

I will not want to beat the matter on your promises too much, but be reminded that there are millions of Nigerians who are banking on your word. The Awujale of Ijebu is one of your best fans. Hear the king of kings talk about you: You can take General Buhari’s word to the bank and you will get paid! Mr. President, sincerely I do not envy you, because for real, you are in a tight corner right now. If you fuck up (permit my colloqual), you have not only ruined your present presidency and APC’s image, the cult built around your presonality so far is forever shattered.

Remember sir, up till your landslide win in the just concluded election, your past achievements as a soldier and HoS are most controversial. I need not remind you of your dark days. For those who excused your many missteps on the ground of youthfulness, circumstances and other things, they shall forever be silenced and monumentally disappointed. As for those who are certain that you were and still will be a disastrous choice for Nigeria, they finally will be right. In short, Nigerians will finally listen to Ikhide Ikheloa’s warning that APC is PDP! Well, if you don’t know what Ikhide thinks about you, I will tell you now: He is strongly convinced you and your party are a worse latrine than PDP is! I bet you don’t want to confirm his warning cum prophecy.

Another thing: There could be nothing more humiliating for you and your legacy if we have to kick your bottom out of Aso-Rock for underperformance. Remember, Nigerians are fond of sincerely singpraising achievements of past tyrants, rulers and presidents especially if the incumbent is an underperformer! In your case, that would mean, President Jonathan will be better placed and praised for his achievements! I am sure you don’t want history to deal with you this way.

Talking about APC being PDP, I am presently most likely to agree with this submission. Looking away for once from PDP-like corrupt moneybags in the senior rank and file of APC, practically all heavyweight of PDP decamped to your party. Remember, old habits die hard. These are people who are never interested in anything but their own pocket. Chief Obasanjo technically jilted his beloved PDP to get you elected, IBB declared for you. Shehu Shagari self sent spokesperson to disown claim that he was in anyway going the way of the person you replaced! All these people in your carriage are mega-thieves, commonwealth looters and everything-wrong-with-nigeria.

You know this, but your starkest footsoldiers assured the path you followed were simply unavoidable, needed to win you the presidency. I agree, dealcutting is as old as politics. I am only afraid this challenge will stick with you throughout your presidency. If you are not careful, exactly these terrible decampees and weight-givers shall be your undoing.

Many talks will not fill a basket, so I shall address one more matter before I rest. Senator Yerima. In order of relation, he is a closer kinsman to you than me. I heard with one ear that this man is now in APC. They even said he was in a committee who worked for your election. I hope you know too that he was/is married to a 13 year old girl. His justification is simple: he exploited a loophole in the constitution which regards every married female as having come of age. Plus he has many other justufications, his religious conviction being an influence too. This man has your confidence, so we believe you can talk to him in a tongue he understands. Not only that, please we want you to push for a consitutionally standard age and definition of who a child is, male or female in Nigeria.

Abeg, call on the wisdom of your lawyer professor vice president to close this Yerima-loopholes in the constitution. I can only call on your humanity and your high standard of morality to safe our children from constitutionally sanctioned rape and abuse. Our childten, particularly the female ones, have more than enough suffering already to chew, the possibility of being constititionally fucked by a Senator Yerima need not be added permanently to their taste-bud. They deserve to be who they are, namely CHILDREN!

Mr. President, sir, I have on your behalf greeted those who wished you lost the presidency to your incumbent-challenger. They showed strong spirit of sportsmanship in the contest. They deserved to be so well-greeted. That President Jonathan won over 19 million votes clearly confirmed he was a worthy contestant. He had the suppirt base. Omi lo kan poju oka lo!

For the Jonathan supporters, to whom sportsmanship is a strangeness, I have appealed to them to give you the benefit of 100 days in office. Around that time, you will have shown enough color via your statements, appointments etc to determine policy direction of your government. They gave me their word. They will wait till then before they start wishing/confirming your failure.

Also, I did not forget to warn my two friends and brothers who happened to be your staunchest admirers. Babawale Biyi gave me his word that he will not withold from telling it to your face you fail if you indeed fail. Isiaq ‘Deji is not ready to imagine you might fall our hand. These two brothers and supporters, like all your supporters/Nigerians, deserve no disappointment from you, sir!

I heard Fani-Kayode flew hurriedly out of the country few hours ago. You know he was a man of full of political tactlessness. He left nobody in doubt he was fleeing political persecution. He left no word as to destination. Governor Fayose is presently still at large, most likely on medical leave in Germany. He left words that he had wished your death only out of political desperation. He meant no evil and hoped that upon his return his messenger of peace will have reached your doormot!

Madam Petroleum Minister Deziani will not run away. She believes she robbed nobody. Madam Iweala has since been returned to where we borrowed her from. Okojonomics will apparently never work in Nigeria! Madam was undaunted to the end. Your excellency, you need to sight her gele at the airport to confirm for yourself that her head was high and her spirit undampened!

On a final note, I must not forget to remind your excellency, sir, that I have since, upon hearing of your landslide victory, ordered the barman to bring me another two bottles of APC and PDP. Actually, I wanted my usual sepe-mixture to wash your victory, but e nor dey. That was how I washed Jonathan’s victory in 2011. I am not ashamed I did because it was nothing personal. It is a game of politics. Actually, many friends knew I was washing Jonathan’s victory back then in anticipation of this day FeBUHARI 14, 2015! I knew I was going to survive the past four years because I am Naija! I am larger than your predecessors. So that you know, I will survive the next four years too come what may and I am already getting ready for 2019.

Yours sincerely,

Ahjot Naija